So, I tried. I really did. I meant to write a post today on the steps I’m taking on my glory filled path to supreme organization and voiceover domination. But I couldn’t. Just couldn’t control the thoughts.

My goal, as much as I ever have one, was to break down all of the things I wanted to achieve into baby steps. I’m thinking that if I take the end results I wish to have and back them out, I’ll be able to plot the steps I need to take in order to achieve them.

And cluster the tasks. I’m big on this idea. If I can stack all of the related tasks into one slightly larger task, then I can turn those stacks/piles/heaps into routines. I need me some routines. Routines are like having an autopilot switch. You can just turn that routine on and off you go until it’s complete.

This, loose as it is, was my plan for today. Collect the data, turn it into routines, get busy.

Then this happened. I started making lists. Which went off the rails fast. In the absence of having anything constructive rattling around in my head, I’ve decided to just share my lists with you so that you can feel some sympathy for my condition.

And here they are, in their unedited glory:

These are the questions I’m grappling with today:

– What do I need to do in studio?
– What do I need to do inside of the house?
– Why won’t Jake eat breakfast?
– How do I get cast as an animated celebrity’s talking va-ja-jay on an Adult Swim cartoon?
– Is it strange that being a talking vagina is my ultimate work ambition?
– Who cares if it’s strange?
– These are not helpful questions.
– Ah, fuck it. Let’s move onto the things that keep me from working:

Things that keep me from working:

– I have a four-year-old
– I’m lazy
– My four-year-old is a boy
– We have two other businesses that require my attention to some degree every day
– Laundry
– Boy children are nut burgers
– Dishes
– Dog hair retrieval
– Legos
– Candy Crush
– Donald FUCKING Trump
– Laundry
– Why is my son inside the washing machine?
– Does listening to Alice in Chains cause me to use physically menacing terms like “wrestling” and “grappling?” Would I write “hugging” and “smoochy-pants” if I were listening to the B52’s?
– I wonder where Denise is these days. You could always tell what music she’d been listening to by her makeup. B52’s meant purple and pink dots, silver eyeliner. Black lipstick was a sign of Bauhaus. I miss Denise.
– Imma re-read that meditation book.
– Meditation is hard. Sitting still is hard. So’s the floor. I need more comfortable flip flops.
– Would it be reasonable to have a cigarette now?
– Fuck reasonable.
– I do need more tea and tea is in the same general vicinity as the smoking porch.
– Sure is hot outside though.
– And if I get near the porch, I will also be near the laundry, which means, oh hell, I still have more laundry to do.
– And I can’t forget to go to the store – gotta get pizza and a movie for tonight.
– Jake wants to see Lego Batman. It’ll be great. Great. Whoop.
– Oh god, another Trump tweet.
– Shit’s like Pavlov’s dogs – Trump tweets, I twitch.
– I wonder if there’s a class action suit against Trump yet for all of the emotional distress he’s causing. I’m in if they file one. I have receipts.
– “Original Sin” is a really great INXS song.
– Yes, definitely going to go smoke.
– I don’t know why Google chose to combine Alice in Chains and INXS greatest hits into one playlist but it’s working.
– Google does know everything.
– Google knows EVERYTHING.
– I should worry a bit more about that stuff.
– Let me just check with Alexa.
– Snort. See what I did?
– Then again, not so funny. I say a lot of inappropriate things. And I sing all the time. If someone is listening I am profoundly embarrassed about the singing.
– Man. Now I’m paranoid.
– Maybe I should just go to the store.
– I’ll do that. Go to the store. Buy things.
– Shouldn’t I be working? This is not working. This is vomiting words.
– Don’t pressure yourself so much. Word vomit was hugely successful for Kerouac.
– Oh fer fucks sake – another Trump tweet? I can’t stand it.
– Crap, Celia said not to get political in these things. But, but, but . . .
– She’s right.
– But.
– Still right.
– Fine. No politics.
– Come on now. Focus. Make one tiny plan out of all of this. Surely we can come up with one tiny baby step toward world domination.
– By the way, when I am in charge of the world, people who don’t put away their shopping carts in the parking lot corrals will have their heads lopped off immediately.
– Yes, I know that Karyn doesn’t always put her cart away but I do love her immensely and so will regret lopping off her head.
– Probably shouldn’t threaten to lop off your best friend’s head.
– True, but she should probably put her cart back and avoid the lopping.
– You know what else is keeping me from working?
– Lists.
– Dammit.